Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dear Self....

I was recently on a cleaning spree with Evan when I came across a box of letters and photos from high school. I sat for awhile laughing at some of the letters to friends I wrote, magazine clippings of Jake Gylenhal, Josh Hartnett and my geek crush Josh Groban when I found a CD with my senior pictures on it....


90's perm                                                 Age 10                                                    Just smile.

To be honest, looking at my younger pictures is hard for me. I hardly had friends and in the majority of them I have 1 of 2 looks, one where I have this huge false smile on my face and the other where I look sad or upset with having a camera in my face. My how that seems like a lifetime ago.....

Just before I started my Senior year, I had a breast reduction surgery that truly was what I wanted. Besides the fact that I needed to lose weight and I had medical issues due to the weight I was. I  wanted to fit in, I wanted to feel pretty and accepted, I wanted to be healthy and stay in school without constantly being sent home due to my medical issues.

To sum up a sad and pointless story....I had my Senior pictures re-done in Feb of my senior year and the pictures were Amazing. I was smiling in them, I was posing and not hiding myself, I even had my best friend be in a few with me. I look so relaxed and just comfortable and I didn't cry about them to my mom. I remember printing so many of them out and handing them out to people I knew and even Evan, who was a sweet friend of mine with no romantic feelings yet surfaced. I think that stage of my youth I felt good in my skin for the first time and started to make my way into the world with my head high and yet...I still felt overweight, I felt "Fat".

So there I was, sitting in my fave pj's, no make-up on, hair in a messy bun laughing at these pictures with my husband and proclaiming "GOD, look how thin I am!! Look at my skin! I want to be this thin again..." and internally scoffing at my younger self for being so silly and for thinking I wasn't beautiful or worth much. It doesn't take much to feel good about yourself....believe me. It's a process, a journey you hate at first and then even more when you realize...YOUR PERFECT AS YOU ARE!

I know we all do this to ourselves on bad days, I know people struggle with it. Lord knows I did a lot growing up pretty much until I turned 18 and started dating Evan. But once I realized I was beautiful for a multitude of reasons and a lot of them being on the inside....I let my true self show and that's attractive. I also think Evan saved me from myself....he saved me from a dangerous place in my life and he did it by starting off as my friend and by telling me flat out the choices I was making in my life were making me ugly. He wasn't the only one back then who had said as much to me but he was the one whose voice caught my attention. How I love him for that hard conversation. (long back story for that to make sense, sorry)

Still though, when you feel good about yourself it shows in so many GOOD ways and when you love someone who allows you to be yourself and brings the best of you out....you just get more attractive when you embrace who you are.

So to my Self (Past, Present & future):
You are Beautiful. You may not feel it everyday, you may not act it on occasion but trust me. You are perfect the way you are. You are a woman capable of obtaining any goal you set before yourself. You are an amazing wife to a man who adores you for everything you are and a mom to one outstanding little girl who also brings out the best of you. BE PATIENT with her and remember to remind her always that she is beautiful by being unique in her individuality. Remember that diets only make you cranky, water is your friend and the gym makes you feel like a rock star so don't be so afraid of it. Running in the early morning suits you best because you get to clear your head and get a good quiet time in too. The scale lies, it always has and you realized this at 22 so don't bother going by it, in fact keep on not allowing them in your home all together. Your a strong christian who has a brilliant smile and contagious laugh to go with your awesome sense of humor. You choose to be positive rather than negative about things and your friends find you to be loyal and always there when they need you. You love musicals and British movies, your a history geek and a foodie at heart (you caught the microwave on fire, who does that?!) and you still believe you will be able to convince your husband to eat and love tofu. You are creative and crafty when you don't talk yourself out of doing something along those lines, you also tend to second guess yourself entirely too much. You are doing good for yourself by realizing your worth it and so is your family. Keep it up!!!

1 comment:

  1. Woah, woah, woah! it's Jake GYLLENHAAL btw. ;) misspelling, just not cool. (i will admit right there, i misspelled "misspelling." haha.but thanks to the autocorrect, i could hide it. i decided to tell the truth anyways.)
    you look like a model in your senior pic! haha. i love it. this is a really nice post. :) i really enjoyed reading it.